


One Word Too Many

by undernightlight



Series: Gays in Space [7]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt, Episode Tag, Episode: s02e22 The Wire, Gay, He's an emotional squish, Julian has more of a backbone than usual, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-08 23:45:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15254706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/pseuds/undernightlight
Summary: Julian and Garak have an argument after the implant is deactivated. The words Garak says stays with Julian; they hurt more than they should. He was a naive fool, thinking they were friends.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 'The Wire' is one of my favourite episodes and has some wonderful Julian/Garak stuff going on, and I love it. This first chapter basically covers a lot of the actual episode points that are relevant, so you can still read it if you haven't seen the episode in a while.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Bashir was groggy when he awoke, back and neck stiff and shoulder partially locked from being slumped in the chair. He was woken by the sounds of muffled crying, and he realised that Garak was finally away, sitting up with his legs swung over the beg.

“Garak?” Julian pushed himself out of the chair towards the bed.

“Leave me alone!”

“I don't think that would be a good idea right now.” He sat on the edge on the bed, angling himself to be parallel to Garak’s body, facing away. “Your blood chemistry is severely imbalanced. You need to rest.” Reaching up a hand, he gentle rest it against Garak’s shoulders, for the Cardassian to only rip his body away.

“Don't touch me!” Garak pulled himself to his feet with such a force.

“Just calm down.” Julian stood suite, walking around to Garak.

“I don't want to be calm, Doctor. I've been calm long enough.” He turned to face him, addressing him firmly. “Look at this place. It's pathetic. To think that this is what my life has been reduced to. This sterile shell, this prison.” Garak picked up a glass vase up from a table to his right, the flowers starting to die, and he through it to the ground, it smashing dangerously close to Bashir’s feet and legs.

“Take it easy, Garak. Look, you're obviously experiencing some side effects from the deactivation of the implant.” The doctor’s personal space was invaded, Garak leaning in when he spoke.

“Ridiculous. I feel more clear-headed than I have in the past two years. Two years. What a waste these past two years have been.” A table was overthrown, Julian only swifty being able to avoid the hurtling glass and objects in his general direction.

“There was a time, Doctor, oh there was a time when I was a power. The protege of Enabran Tain himself. Do you have any idea what that means?”

“I'm afraid I don't.”

“No, you don't, do you? You don't know much of anything. Tain was the Obsidian Order.” Garak got somehow closer, Julian could smell him so strongly now. “Not even the Central Command dared challenge him. And I was his right hand. My future was limitless until I threw it away.”

“You mean when you had that shuttle shot down to stop those prisoners from escaping?” Garak turned away from him, taking steps to separate them.

“Stop them? I only wish that I had stopped them.”

“You didn't?” Bashir was only further confused.

“No, Doctor, my disgrace was worse than that. Unimaginably worse.”

“What could you have possibly done worse than that?”

“I let them go.” Julian was about to ask to elaborate after a brief pause, but Grak wiped around, fast and aggressive, then pushed his way through the thick air, passed him “It was the eve of the Cardassian withdrawal. Elim and I were interrogating five Bajorans. They were children, Doctor. None of them were older than fourteen years old. They knew nothing.”

Garak was shouting, irate, and Bashir could only watch; what else was he supposed to do? “They lived in bombed-out rooms, scrounge for food on the streets. They were filthy and they stank.” The Cardassian paced, arms moving frantically about in sharp and jagged motions. “The room was freezing cold, the air was like ice, and suddenly the whole exercise seemed utterly meaningless. All I wanted was a hot bath and a good meal.”

And his voice dropped, low and deep, concerningly so, and Julian felt his stomach twist. Then he cackled, laughed so...maniacally, so chilling, that Bashir felt himself shallow hard around the lump in his throat. “So I let them go. I gave them whatever latinum I had in my pockets, and opened the door, and flung them back into the street. Elim couldn't believe his eyes. He looked at me as if I were insane.”

“You took pity on those children. There's nothing wrong with that.” Garak walked passed him, and Julian’s body followed, turning with the steps.

“No! I was a fool! I should've finished the interrogation and turned them over to the troops for execution. But because I was chilly and my stomach was growling, I failed in my duty and destroyed everything I had worked for.”

“And so they exiled you.” Bashir stepped closer.

“That's right. And left me to live out my days with nothing to look forward to but having lunch with you.” His voice was venomous, and it hurt Bashir more than he thought. Garak could be a cruel man, he knew that, but it shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. They weren’t friends, no, just some people who ate lunch together occasionally. They...they weren’t friends.

But Julian kept any feelings locked away for now, that was not his concern. His concern was Garak and only Garak. So he spoke with a flat, monotone voice, just as much for himself as for the Cardassian. “I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought you enjoyed my company.”

“I did. And that's the worst part. I can't believe that I actually enjoyed eating mediocre food and staring into at your smug, sanctimonious face. I hate this place...and I hate you.” He felt his stomach lurch as Garak’s words. They weren’t friends, he knew that, he...he had hoped that wasn’t the case, that their lunches together had meant something, the smallest amount of something, but clearly not. The lump in Bashir’s throat was starting to choke him.

“Okay, Garak, that's your prerogative. Now I really think you should lie down.” His concern was Garak’s health and safety, his own, personal feelings could wait.

“Get away from me!” He was pushed into a table, Garak’s hands firm against his chest as he pushed and twisted the doctor all in one swift movement. He straightened himself, turning back to his patient.

“Garak-” Then Garak launched himself as Julian, throwing himself over the bed with a carnivorous scream, wrestling him to the ground. Bashir landed on broken glass, he could feel it poking into his back. He pushed himself on his side, trying to get Garak off of him but to not hurt him in any way.

“Garak, stop this. I don't want to hurt you.” Julian was able to get himself over Garak, keeping his scaley Cardassian hands from wrapping their way around his throat, but he was struggling. Until suddenly Garak’s grip laxed, his muscles spasming. He was having a seizure, Julian noticed it instantly, concern becoming his primary emotion.

“Bashir to Infirmary. I need an emergency medical team in Garak's quarters now.” Then seconds passed, but they wouldn't be quick enough, Julian realised. “Infirmary, cancel that, beam us directly to sick bay.” He waited a second for the necessary adjustments. “Energize.”

Seconds later, less than that, they were in the infirmary, and nurses were around him, helping move Garak to a bed.

“Doctor, you're hurt,” the nurse Jabara said once Garak was up.

“Garak needs my attention.”

“But, sir-”

“Later! He is my priority. We stabilise him and then I can be sorted.” Jabara clearly knew then that this was not the time to question him. Bashir didn't really feel the pain anyway, he didn't care about his pain, he cared only about Garak. 

“Another twenty cc’s of hyperzine,” he called.

“He’s not responding.”

“Give it a second.” Nothing changed, “Begin cardio-stimulation.” Garak’s chest jerked with the current, and Bashir stared at the monitor, his food uncontrollably tapping against the floor. After a few seconds, every began to fall into normal ranges.

“His heartbeat is stabilising.” The nurse said.

They worked to level his vitals, get them into acceptable limits and to stop the seizure. The medical device on his forehead helped keep him stable while Jabara was able to tend to his own wounds.

He carefully pulled off his top uniform layer, dropping it to the floor as he sat on another biobed, leaving him in his grey undershirt. It was harder to take that off, the blood on his back drying and sticking the fabric to his skin. The removal of said fabric caused the bleeding to start again. He held the shirt close to his chest as the nurse used the dermal regenerator to close the injuries. He winced occasionally, but not often, his mind preoccupied with Garak’s hurtful words 

Maybe he was being silly, yes, he was, he was being utterly stupid, and oh how people would laugh at him for this. Garak only ate lunch with him because he had nothing better to do, because he was bored and needed a temporary distraction. They weren't friends, he kept telling himself over and over, hoping that...he wasn't even sure what he was hoping for. They ate lunch together at least once a week, every Tuesday they ate together and some other days in between for over a year, and they'd talk about music and literature and anything that came to mind, and that really meant something to him. He had thought it's meant something to Garak too, but clearly he was wrong. He'd been wrong about Garak before, or had he? He didn't really know, he knew so little about Garak to begin with. Friends knew things about each other, but he knew so little that he could barely be called an acquaintance realistically. He'd been kidding himself, now that he thought about it, thinking they were friends. They weren't friends, clearly they weren't friends...but oh how he wished they were.

Julian zoned out, his mind somewhere else, nothing could be processed. Jabara tapped his shoulder, bringing him back. “Your back’s healed,” and he nodded, then stood. She stopped him, looking at his arm, and when he looked down, there was a gash there too, something he hadn't realised before hand. She gently took his arm, he gave no resistance, and she healed it quickly. He went to pull his shirt back on when she stopped him.

“Let us get you a clean one.” He didn't object, and she walked away to find him a clean uniform. She returned, and he swapped the dirty, blood-soaked and stained undershirt for a fresh one, and set the uniform on the bed. She picked up his shirt from the floor and walked off, allowing him some vague privacy to dress. He didn't really care, but it was appreciated nonetheless. He pulled the layers on carefully, not to overload his body with sudden movements. When he turned, he noticed the small metal bowl filled with shards of glass, ends red. He hadn't noticed they'd been imbedded into him.

He rubbed his forehead, aching for a rest, but it was not the time. Letting his feet carry him, he wandered back to Garak’s biobed, the room empty apart from him and the unconscious Cardassian. He looked at Garak, not knowing what to think anymore.

“Plain and simple Garak,” he said to himself, under his breath. Not so plains and not so simple, but was he ever? Julian knew from the start that the man had secrets, his secrets had secrets, so how ever could the words ‘plain and simple’ describe a man like Garak? He was far from, Julian had always known that too, yet, he kept coming back, kept going to lunch with him, kept talking and smiling and watching him over the rim of his raktajino mug with such...fondness was the best word suited. He groaned before walking over to a monitor, looking through the medical information and scans.

“His lymphatic system is still critical.” He spoke to himself. “I don't understand it. I shut down the implant. It can't be affecting his blood chemistry anymore, yet toxins are still accumulating in his lymphatic tissues.” He paused trying to think of a cause, but he couldn’t. Then he had to think what to do next. “Computer, display analyses of all biochemical samples taken from the patient in the past...thirty-nine hours. Display them by chemical composition. Isolate and display sample number seventeen.” But there was nothing that seemed to point to an answer. “Bring up sample twenty three...sample twenty seven...sample thirty two...sample thirty five...sample forty-stop. Bring back sample thirty five.” He caught a glimpse of something. “Superimpose the molecular structure of this leukocyte with an analogous sample from yesterday. That's it. The molecular structure of Garak's leukocytes has been altered. That must be what's causing the accumulation of toxins in his system.”

“Can we synthesise Cardassian leukocytes?” Jabara was behind him suddenly, startling him slightly. He turned to her, then back to the monitor.

“Probably, but that could take weeks and we don't have that much time. We have three or fours days at most.”

“If we turn the implant back on, we might be able to keep him alive for another week or two-”

“No.” Julian turned to the sound of the voice, and Garak was awake, thought he still looked in pain.

“What?” He took steps to his patients bedside.

“I won't allow it. I never want that thing turned on again.”

“I understand how you feel, but I'm not sure what else I can do for you.”

“You've done enough, Doctor. More than I deserve. There's something you have to know.”

“What's that?”

“The truth.” That lump returned to his throat again, and he found it hard to breathe once more. He would choke in sickbay next to the one person that really mattered to him. Everyone mattered, his other friends, colleagues, of course they did, but Garak was someone different, he was something different, Julian had known that for a while, that something was so different about Garak.

“I've about given up on learning the truth from you, Garak.” He smiled but it still hurt. It was true, he really had given up on ever really knowing, but that was just the way things were between them.

“Don't give up on me now, Doctor. Patience has its rewards. Now listen carefully.” Julian braised himself for whatever may follow, but he had no idea what to be prepared for. “Elim wasn't my aide. He was...my friend. We grew up together. We were closer than brothers. For some reason, Enabran Tain took a liking to us. Before long, we were both powerful men in the Obsidian Order. They called us the Sons of Tain. Even the Guls feared us.”

There was something in Garak’s eyes when he spoke, something Julian didn’t know a reason behind, but there was something there. “And then there was a scandal. Someone in the Order was accused of letting some Bajoran prisoners escape. There were constant rumours of who was going to be implicated. Fingers were being pointed at me. By then, Tain had retired to the Arawath Colony. He couldn't protect me, so I panicked. I did everything in my power to make sure that Elim was accused instead of me. I altered records, planted evidence, only to discover that he'd beaten me to it.”

“He betrayed you first?”

“Elim destroyed me. Before I knew what was going on, I was sentenced to exile. And the irony is, I deserved it. Oh, not for the reasons they claimed, but because of what I had tried to do to Elim, my best friend.”

“Why are you telling me this, Garak?” He appreciated the honestly, if it even was honest and truthful, but it wasn’t relevant. Julian didn’t care too much about what Garak had done in the past, with the Order, the Cardassian Union, that didn’t matter to him, not really. He wanted Garak to be safe and well, and this was irrelevant.

“So that you can forgive me. Why else? I need to know that someone forgives me.” The Cardassian raised a hand of the biobed, holding it up in the air. Bashir looked at it briefly before his eyes flicked back up to Garak’s, hunting around for something deceptive or...strange, but he found nothing. Maybe, this was the most honest Garak had even been with him.

He took a hold of his friend’s—of Garak’s—hand, wrapping his fingers easily around the palm, and Garak did the same. His hands were cold, but that was expected from a Cardassian. He had to steady himself before he spoke, breathing out any anxiety in one sigh. “I forgive you for whatever it is you did.”

“Thank you, Doctor. That's most kind.” Garak’s eyes started to close; he was losing conscious, but that was okay, he needed to rest. His hand relaxed in Julian’s and the doctor lowered it back to the bed. He held on a little bit longer than he needed to, but he felt the nurse’s eyes on his neck and he let go.

“See that he rests comfortably. I'll be back within fifty two hours.”

“Where are you going?” He could hear the concern in her voice.

“To find the man responsible for this.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter, and a bit more dialogue to put things into perspective...I think.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

He still had at least thirteen hours before he’d reach the station again, and it unfortunately gave him plenty of time to think. He was unable to sleep, though he’d tried and failed. Tain’s words floated around his head: ‘never tells the truth when a lie will do,’ and Bashir realised how true that was. Of course it was, but to hear it from someone else just solidified any feelings of doubt he had about Garak’s and his friendship. Not a friendship, he had to remind himself, but it was true that Garak always chose to lie when he could, and Bashir doubted he knew anything of the man’s true identity. He’d only now just learnt that Elim was Garak’s first name, after so long of sharing lunches and stories and those looks. But clearly it was all in his head, making it something that it clearly wasn’t. 

But that didn’t matter. He had a job to do. He was a doctor and Garak was his patient and his personal feelings didn’t matter now. Julian was relieved that Tain was so willing to give him the information on the chip that he needed, even if their motives were vastly different. That didn’t matter either, but now he could save Garak’s life, and if Garak decided he didn’t want to live on the station anymore then he could take that into his own hands, but Julian refused to be a part of anything resembling that. He hated to think that Garak was so miserable with his life on DS9. Things weren’t ideal, he knew that, he wasn’t as stupid as Garak liked to make him out to be; he knew exile for Garak was painful, to never return home, to be on the station that his people occupied of sixty years and to be stared at with such hate, but...but what? Julian didn’t know that part of the sentence, the part of the sentence that showed that all the bad things was worth if for the good, but what did Garak have? The shop? Did Garak even enjoy being a tailor? Julian didn’t know anything now; anything and everything that Garak had told him had no weight attached.

“Computer,” he called out, followed by a beep, “Set an alarm to wake me one hour before we arrive at DS9.” He dragged a hand down his face. He needed to sleep, he had to be rested enough to help when he returned, and the past two days away from the station, and staying with Garak, had drained him, he’d barely gotten any sleep the past half week.

He stood to get his medkit, something he always brought with him on away missions, and grabbed the hypospray. He filled it with eszopiclone and injected it into his neck. He put the empty spray back in the kit and closed it over again. He walked to the bed and laid down. He was tired, it hit him full force when his head flopped onto the pillow. Within minutes, he was asleep.

# # # # # #

Julian realised as he was startled away by a blaring siren sound, that he should’ve specified to the computer that the alarm should be a quiet beep, not full red alert. He bolted upright, his head spinning from moving too quickly. “I’m up, I’m up, computer, turn it off.” And the blaring seised.

He swung his legs off the side, surprised he was actually able to sleep over twelve hours. He felt significantly better than he had before, though his throat was dry. Wobbling as he stood, Julian had to steady himself against the wall of the ship, before taking slow steps to the replicator and ordering a raktajino. It tasted as it always did, so it was a welcome familiarity, and the next hour was spent rereading all the information Tain had transferred to the computer. It was significantly helpful. It gave him options, whether to remove the chip, though that would be incredible risky and difficult, but doable, fully deactivate it, possibly repair it, though he wouldn’t do that it he could help it. He’d fully deactivate it, and then it would never be able to hurt Garak again, and if Garak ever felt the need to try and use it again, he wouldn’t be able to.

He hailed the station when he was in range, and the face of Commander Sisko greeted him.

“Doctor, I hope you found what you were looking for?”

“Yes Commander, I believe I have. Permission to dock?”

“Granted. Welcome back.”

“Thank you sir.” He docked the USS Rio Grande on launch pad 1, and quickly disembarked and made his way to medical. Jabara was there and she smiled when he arrived. He smiled back.

“Garak’s unconscious again right now, but he’s been awake, and his vitals have been looking stable, thought there is still a buildup of toxins in the lymphatic system. I was able to slow the buildup but there wasn’t much else I could do.”

“It’s fine, I’m able to drain the toxins. I also have the antitoxin and a way to permanently deactivate the chip. I’ll need you to monitor his vital signs while I do it, just to make sure.”

“Yes doctor.” And they set about working. They drained his system, then infected the antitoxins to purge the remaining toxins. They were working on deactivating the chip when Jabara really spoke again, spoke outside of what they were doing. “He asked about you while you were gone.”

“He did?” Julian was surprised, and he was sure she could tell by the way she looked at him.

“Wondered where you were.”

“Did you tell him?”

“I had nothing to tell him, you didn’t exactly tell me where you’d gone either.” That was true, he just sort of left without much of an explanations. “I just told him you’d taken a break, or were eating lunch when he woke. He was never awake for long.”

“Thank you.”

“Did..something happen between you two? You seem slightly off.” He looked up to her, frowning, “Not that it’s any of my business, I was just concerned.” And he smiled a little then.

“It’s fine nurse, and me and Garak...it’s nothing bad, if that’s your concern. I’ve finally just realised some things, things that were quite obvious and I’d somehow not been paying enough attention to see them before.”

“It doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s fine, really.” His tone was a little firmer, but nothing aggressive. She dropped the subject, clearly realising she wasn’t getting anything else from him, and they continued to work in silence. It took some time, but eventually Bashir was able to disable the chip. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

He stretched his arm up, locking his hands together and twisting them. It felt good. He could stop worrying now too, get busy with something else instead of fretting over that Cardassian that over the last few days has caused him more stress than he thought was possible. He wrote up some reports, filed all the new information from Tain. He said he could stop worrying about Garak, but he kept a close eye on his vitals.

“Nurse,” he said, grabbing her attention, “I’m going to take a quick break. If he wakes, inform him that he’s stable, but that he needs to be kept under observation.” She nodded, and he left the infirmary.

The replimat was quiet considering the late time, a few people around. More people were at Quark’s, a few spilling out from the doors; busy night, clearly. But all shops were closed, most parts of the promenade looking like a ghost town, but he was alright with that.

“Raktajino, extra strong.” After a few seconds, the signature pale blue mug appeared and Julian took it and sat at a table. He managed to down half of it swiftly before he’d even sat down, and once he sat, his face slumped into his hand. He just sat there, alone, breathing. He’d slept over twelve hours and yet he already felt exhausted again; his sleep pattern was disrupted, if not yet nonexistence. He zoned out, staring distantly as the carpet, when he hear a voice.

“Doctor Bashir?” He turned and saw Chief O’Brien walking towards him.

“Hi Chief.”

“Are you alright? I just heard you got back from your off station trip.” He sat down opposite him.

“A good few hours ago, yes.”

“How was it?”

“Fine. The Arawath Colony is a nice place.”

“How’s Garak?”

“Fine, stable.”

“And how are you?”

“Fine.”

“You don’t seem fine. I’ve never heard you speak so few words in one go.” And Julian chuckled. “Did something happen between you and Garak?”

“What would make you say that?”

“Well, while you were gone, I had to fix some broken equipment in his quarters, and the place was a mess; there was glass on the floor, a table turner over, chair knocked at a weird angle. You two were that last in there.”

“It was nothing.”

“Didn’t look like nothing.

“Garak just said some things that he’d been thinking for a while, caught me off guard.”

“What did he say?”

“Does it matter?”

“I was...just wondering. You two seem pretty close after all.”

“We’re not close.”

“Oh...I always thought-”

“You thought wrong.” O’Brien looked shocked at his tone and stood to leave. Julian called out, “I’m sorry.” The Chief stopped, looking back, “I didn’t mean to be rude,” and he turned back around, sitting opposite him again.

“What happened?”

“Garak, he...he just said some things, made me realise that I don’t actually know much about him, that we not really friends.”

“Not friends?”

“No.”

“I thought you two were, you know, something a bit more than friends.” Julian gave him a puzzled look, before taking another sit of his coffee, keeping eye contact with O’Brien. “I mean, with the looks you two give each other, I just assumed that there was something going on there. I don’t have a problem, if that’s the case like.”

“We’re not...that. I can assure you that he’d never let that that happen.”

“But you?”

“Hmm?”

“You said he wouldn’t let that happen, but what about you? Is it...something you want?”

O’Brien was pushing here, and Julian was most tempted to tell him to get lost, but that wouldn’t accomplish anything. He’d thought about it before, that was sure, he’d probably thought about it too much, but that still didn’t give him a clear answer. When it came to Garak, Julian never knew what he wanted, which just made this conversation and the entire past few days even more frustrating. Julian ended up shrugging, staring off into the distance again, mug close to his mouth between both hands. “I don’t know what I want.” O’Brien nodded, seemingly understanding something.

“Well, whatever happens, I’m sure everything will turn out alright in the end.” Julian nodded as the Chief got up and left. He never asked Miles what he was doing out and about so late, but it didn’t really matter.

What did he want with Garak? A relationship? He wasn’t sure that’s what he wanted. Commitment, he thought, and he realised that’s what it was. Romantically yes, but in other forms as well; he wanted honesty and trust, and he didn’t expect Garak to tell him everything about himself, but he would like to think that Garak wouldn’t feel the need to lie to him. After everything that’s been exchanged between them, he should’ve realised by now that he didn’t care what Garak had done in the past, that was something they could work through together if that was needed, but it was the present and future with Garak that Julian was interested in. Things were far too complicated, he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

It was the next day, when Bashir traipsed into the infirmary, that everything from the night before sung in. He’s passed O’Brien with a smile, and then remembered the words spoken. He had said ‘the looks you two give each other’. Bashir knew he wasn't always subtle, not that he was actively and consciously flirting with Garak, but maybe he'd been doing it without knowing, but Garak himself with a similar look...he couldn't picture it, especially not after these past few days.

When he arrived, Jabara greeted him. “Garak left.”

“Left?”

“Discharged himself early this morning, when the night staff were still on rotation. They didn't know to keep him in for observation. I wanted to check with you before we brought him back in.”

“Don't bother. If he doesn't want to be here, you can't force him. I'm sure he'll be fine anyway, his vitals looked good last time I saw them.”

She nodded, offered a kind smile, and then left to do something else. He began work, reports and research. He treated two engineers with mild plasma burns, a dislocated jaw, something akin to an asthma attack, and a few other small injuries. Eventually, it was time for his lunch break, and he wandered off to the replimat. He wasn't overly hungry, but knew he should eat, so ordered something light and a raktajino. He was enjoying his lunch alone when Garak appeared, hovering over him.

“May I join you?”

“Garak.”

“Thank you.” That wasn't a yes, Julian couldn't help but think, but he let it be, not having it in his energy to argue.

“What are you doing up? You're supposed to be in bed.” He was sure Garak knew damn well he should be resting.

“Out of the question. I couldn't stand being cooped up in that dreadful infirmary for another second. Besides, I feel perfectly fine. So, how's the I'danian spice pudding today?”

Really? “How's the spice pudding? Is that all you have to say for yourself?” He could feel himself heat up. “How can you just sit there and pretend that the last ten days never happened?”

“I for one, Doctor, am perfectly satisfied with the way things turned out.” Of course he is, Julian thought. Why would he see anything wrong with what had happened the past few days? Why was he so naive to think that maybe, just maybe, he'd get an apology, or even a thank you. “And I see no need to dwell on what was doubtlessly a difficult time for both of us.” It was horrible. He now didn't know who to trust. “By the way, I just had the most interesting conversation with Constable Odo. It seems he's under the impression that I was a member of the Obsidian Order.”

“What did you tell him?” Bashir kept his expression as flat as possible.

“That he was mistaken, of course.”

“And he believed you?”

“He said something about keeping a closer eye on me in the future. I told him to be my guest, I have nothing to hide.” The Cardassian smiled, a grin reaching far across his face. “Here. I've brought you something.” 

He extend out an arm, and Julian took the orange data rode from him, spinning it around in his fingertips. “What is it?”

“Meditation on a Crimson Shadow by Preloc.”

“More Cardassian literature?”

“Yes, it think you'll find this one more to your liking. It's about-”

“No, thank you,” Julian interrupted, leaving a slightly shocked and confused expression on Garak’s face, “But I'm not interested.” He reached across and set the data rod on the table next to Garak’s tray.

“But I though you wanted something different?”

“So did I, but I've since changed my mind. I find I'm not particularly interested in Cardassian literature.”

“You were the other day.”

“Well, I'm not now.” He could hear the passive aggression in his voice, but the majority of him didn't care. Part of him did, but that part wasn't relevant right now.

Garak stared at him and he didn't like it. He continued to push around the food on his plate, taking the occasional bite. It was silent between them for some time, before Garak tried to speak again, “Doctor-” but was abruptly cut off again.

“I'm sorry, I have to get back to the infirmary, busy day.” He swiftly stood and left, leaving his tray of partial eaten food and mostly empty coffee mug on the table. Garak can tidy it away, he though, not really caring. The infirmary was quiet when he arrived back, same it had been when he left. He wasn’t that busy, but Garak didn’t need to know that. He walked to his desk, out of sight. A sigh escaped his lips as he leaned back against the wall, sliding done, couching on his feet. His head rest against the flat surface behind and he closed his eyes tight.

It would’ve been easy to put up a front, to accept the gift, to let Garak finish and for him to say thank you, to ask him about his past, to ask which of the stories he told was actually true. Maybe it didn't matter. No, it definitely didn’t matter. It would only matter if they were friends, and they weren’t friends. He didn’t hear steps into the room.

“Doctor,” and his eyes shot open. He struggled to his feet while Jabara looked on concerned. As he pulled down his uniform, she spoke again, “It everything alright?”

“Yes, fine, thank you.”

“You don’t look alright. You should take the rest of the day off.”

“I have work to do, and besides, I just took two days off.”

“You took two days to travel to the Arawath system in Cardassian space, and then proceeded to work upon your arrival.”

“It’s not like the patient could of waited, Jabara.” He was right. She knew he was right, but it didn’t stop her.

“Take the rest of the day off, doctor’s orders.” She didn’t have the authority to give that order to him without being given permission from senior command. He doubted very much she had that power, but he found the idea of staying in bed for the next half day or so very appealing, despite knowing he should stay and work. He had full confidence that the medical staff could handle it here without him, and if they really needed him, they were all clever enough to contact him. So he nodded, fingers dug into the corners of his eyes.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice defeated. He left the infirmary to a kind smile from the nurse.

# # # # # #

Julian was awoke by his door chiming. He didn’t make an effort to move at first, but it rang again. He pushing himself off of his side, tripping over his uniform he’d left on the floor.

“Computer, what time is it?”

“Twenty two forty five.”

Who was calling round at this time? “Lights at fifty percent.” He pulled on a t-shirt when the door chimed a third time, and he pulled on cuffed trousers before he shouted “Enter!” The door opened with it’s unmistakable swoosh, and he padded out from his bedroom to see Garak stepping in from the hallway.

“Garak, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see if you were well. You left work early.”

“How do you know that?”

He avoided the question. “I also wanted to ask about your hasty escape at lunch.”

“I was busy, I told you.” Julian really didn’t have the energy for this interrogation, It was too early for this, he thought, and completely unnecessary.

“I have my doubts about that.”

“Doubts? Why would you...you hacked into the system, didn’t you?”

“I did no such thing,” but his tone gave everything away, as well as the slight wicked smile gracing his lips.

He sighed. “Garak, what do you want?”

“I told you, I came to see if you’re well.”

“I’m very well, thank you, now leave.”

“I have my doubts, dear doctor. You seemed quite off a lunch.”

“Why do you care? I’m sure you’ve got better things to do. You should be resting, recovering.” He may not like Garak very much at the moment, but he was still his patient, in a way, and Julian prided himself on his ability to be professional when needed.

“I have recovered perfectly, thanks to you.”

“Yes, now, if you please,” and he motioned to the door.

Garak made no attempt to move. “There is definitely something wrong.”

“So what if there is? It is none of your concern.” He turned away from him, walking to his replicator. “Tarkalean tea, extra sweet.” There was no way now he’d be able to sleep. “Garak-”

“I believe doctor, I’d be able to help.”

“I highly doubt it.”

“If you were only to tell me what was wrong-”

“I see there being only two alternatives here,” he said, setting down his tea and spinning to face Garak. His voice was loud, stern and clear, he made sure of that. “Either you do know what’s wrong or you don’t. If you don’t, figure it out, then come speak to me again. If you do, then you should know I’m really not in the mood to play games anymore Garak.”

The Cardassian stood there, looking slightly dumbfounded at Bashir’s outburst, not knowing what to say. The silence was too much for Julian; he was waiting for something, for Garak to confirm which he was, he was sure he made himself clear now. But the Cardassian didn’t say anything, and Julian wouldn’t take that as an acceptable answer. He walked towards Garak, faster than his usual pace, steps rooted and stronger, the act definite, and he used his hands to spin Garak around; his hands were on either side of Garak’s arms and he twisted, hands swapping arms, and he was shoving Garak towards the door.

“Doctor, please,” and he spun himself around in Julian’s hands. They were so close that Julian’s breath got caught in his throat as he looked at Garak. He felt the Cardassian’s hand move slowly to his waist, settling there so naturally. When he didn’t react, Garak drew his other hand up to repeat the action, and Julian found the grip he had on Garak’s upper arm relaxed, his hands sliding down to stop just about his elbows. Julian could feel his mouth get drier, their faces were inches away. He could smell the Cardassian, and he struggled to swallow around the lump in his throat. “I believe there has been a misunderstanding.”

“Mis..misunderstanding?” His eyes kept flickering between Garak’s, cold and calculating, and the his lip. He couldn’t think straight this close to Garak.

“Yes, a misunderstanding.” He didn’t elaborate further, and that snapped Julian out of it. Of course he wouldn’t say anything else, that would be giving too much away, he thought. He pulled himself out of Garak’s grip, the startled expression on his face telling so much, and Bashir turning his around again. He pressed the control panel, the door opened, and Garak was shoved through. “Doctor-” but he was cut off again as the door closed in his face.

Julian leaned against it and slid to the floor, feeling utterly exhausted, drained in every sense. He couldn’t stop his eyes from watering, and silent tears fell. His body didn’t shake and his jaw didn’t tighten or tremble, his hands were steady and his feet didn’t give way. The tears just fell, rolling down his cheek, he couldn’t stop them even when he wiped them away. His breathing remained stable. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying, it just happened, and he continued to just sit there.

Eventually the tears stopped and he pushed himself to his feet. The tea had gone cold by now, so Julian stuck it in the replicator and ordered another. He drank it slowly, moving to his bed and setting it down on his bedside table. He pulled his t-shirt off over his head, his hair fluffing up and a few strands falling into his face. He sat on the edge of his bed while he drank his tea, taking small sips before downing it all in one.

In one swift movement, he pulled off his trousers, leaving him in his underwear, and crawled into bed. He stared at the wall for quite some time, finding it difficult to sleep now, but he found thinking about the day that just happened, sent him to sleep, just wanting it all to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!
> 
> If anyone is interested, I have a Deep Dish Nine AU series. They're all short stories at the moment but I plan on writing some longer ones in the future too. Please, give it a try, I would mean the world. There's even one that really focuses on some of the Voyager crew too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, here is it!!
> 
> I hoped you enjoyed this little AU :)

He hopped out of the turbolift before it had even stopped, feeling much better after the past couple of days. Maybe he just needed some tea.

He’d been called in to meet the Commander before his shift started that morning. O’Brien gave him a small smile, one Julian returned with pleasure, as he pressed the button on the office door, alerting Sisko to his presence. The doors opened and he entered.

“Ah, Doctor, I'm glad you could make it,” Sisko started.

“Of course sir, what did you want to talk about?” The communication said he wanted to talk to him about something important, but didn't disclose what it was.

“I wanted to ask you about the past couple of days, make sure everything was okay.”

“Everything's fine sir.”

“You're sure?”

“Why wouldn't they be?”

“It's just...some people seem concerned about you doctor.” Sisko stood from his chair, walking round to the front of his desk. He then proceeded to lean back against it. “People have said you seem distracted, distant, not your usual self.”

Julian tried to think who it could be. O’Brien? Jabara? He's seen those two the most, but...maybe his patients? He didn't know, but maybe that didn't matter right now. “Distracted sir?”

“My point; you took too long replying. And I heard you took half a shift off yesterday.”

“Yes, sorry, I should've-”

“It's fine doctor, I was just wondering if everything's alright.”

Maybe he wasn't alright, not perfectly back to the way he was last week, but he was well enough to do his job. “I'm fine sir, thank you for the concern.” Sisko nodded, signalling dismissal as he stood. Julian began to walk away, but stopped short of the door. “Commander,” and he waited to have the attention of his now seated superior, “I'm going to tell Odo but thought I should inform you too. I think Garak may of hacked his way into the medical computers.”

“What gives you that impression?”

“Just some things he's said.”

Sisko seemed to ponder this information, before nodding. Julian was surprised he didn't press for more information. “Inform the Constable, he’ll know how best to handle the situation.”

“Yes sir,” and he hit the control panel, the door opening and he left.

He informed Odo on his way to the infirmary, giving him all the information he thought may be relevant, which wasn't must. Odo said he'd keep a closer eye on Garak in the future, monitor his computer access and such. Bashir nodded and left for his shift.

Research went well, slow progress being made on genetic programming and mutations. Lunch came and went, eating quickly and alone.e but he liked that; his mind could breathe. He noticed that Jabara had been keeping a close eye on him. He didn’t mind so much, though it could be distracting to feel her eyes on his neck. It didn’t bother him so much because he knew she was just concerned about him; he’d been working hard and she could clearly see something had happened with him and Garak, whether she knew anything about it was a different matter, but she was just being a good friend. He wasn’t sure if she was a friend or just a colleague, but that wasn’t important. He was grateful though, that she was worried about him.

His shift ending with relocating O’Brien’s shoulder, telling him he really needed to stop doing this to himself. Julian continued to work after, not for a ridiculous amount of time at least, but he made sure to leave no unfinished sentences or data analyses. He bid the infirmary staff goodnight, and made his way back to his quarters.

The corridors were quieter than usual, he thought, as he passed very few people on his walk. He took his time, and he was about three quarters of his way back when he heard a voice call out to him.

“Ah, doctor, I’m glad I was able to find you so easily.”

If Garak dared play any games, make any jokes, make light of the situation in anyway...he just didn’t care anymore. If he continued to let Garak get under his skin like this, to affect the way he was thinking, then he’d never get over the loss. What is really a loss though, if they were never really friends to begin with?

“Yes Garak, hi.” He stopped, turning his body halfway, faces Garak who was walking up to him.

“I was hoping to catch you at your quarters, but this is just as ideal.”

“I’m heading there now.”

“May I join you?”

“Do you have anything important to say?”

“Depends on what you-”

“Garak, please.” He was meant to sound stern, aggressive even, though he doubted he ever sounded hostile, but instead he sounded desperate, maybe needy, lonely and tired. He didn’t want to sound like, even if that’s how he felt. Despite working well, Garak had still been on his mind, what he’d said, what he did the night before. He could still feel the ghost of his Cardassian hands, that gentle touch on his waist; it felt so right and he hated that.

Garak didn’t speak for a moment, before he nodded only once. “Yes doctor, I have important things to say.” Julian thought that was probably the most honest Garak had ever been with him, so he began walking and Garak followed behind without another word spoken.

They reached the door and Julian opened it, letting Garak step in first, and he did with a courteous nod. Julian followed. He stood there for a moment, waiting for Garak to say something. When he didn’t, the doctor sighed and walked to his replicator. “What anything?”

“No thank you.”

Julian ordered himself a Tarkalean tea extra sweet, and leaned against the table next to the replicator, mug between both hands, watching Garak, waiting for him to speak. But he didn’t say anything; he just stood there, looking at him, then he wandered. Julian watched him walk, small paces, staring at furniture and the walls and everywhere but him. Was Garak...nervous? He had no frame of reference because he'd never seen Garak so much as jump at a loud noise, so if Garak was nervous, then this really was serious.

So Julian pushed himself off of the table and set the tea down, already drinking just under half, and approached Garak, but the Cardassian didn't seem to appreciate it. “You know, I always say you need a new suit, yet you've never taken my advice. Could it be that you already have some wonderful clothes hiding from me?” Garak walked into Julian’s bedroom, strolling through like it was the ordinary thing to do, and the doctor just followed him, a few paces behind. 

But Garak didn't go to his drawers which housed his clothes, instead, he just stood in the middle of the room, his back to Bashir.

“Garak.” Julian kept his voice soft and quiet, but the sound still filled the room, “Talk to me, please. I just want-”

“I'm sorry doctor,” and Julian closed his mouth. Garak had never apologized before. He was about to speak, to say it was alright, but the Cardassian continued. “I clearly said some things that hurt you, things that I...I did not mean. It was uncalled for and unnecessary, especially after everything you did for me.”

“I was your doctor and you were my patient, it was my job.”

“But you did far more than you needed to Doctor,” Garak said, turning to face him, “You forgave me. Whether you meant it or not, it was significant to me. You did not need to forgive me, especially after what I had said not long before, but you said that you did, and I would've died a slightly saner man.”

“Garak, I…” But the words died on his lips. What was he supposed to say? He took steps closer, not able to look at Garak and instead staring at the carpet, until they were inches apart. “I forgave you. I'll always forgive you because...because you’re...my friend.” He still didn't look up, he couldn't.

He felt hands go to his waist again, light and gentle touches ghosting across his uniform, and he swallowed hard. He still looked away, eyes closed and face angled down, but he leaned forward and his forehead rested against Garak’s. His featured scrunched together as his pulled his eyebrows in, eyes shut so tight it almost hurt.

He took a chance, and angled his head up, catching Garak’s lips in his.

His jaw remained tight and locked in place until Garak responded, mouth moving against his in a rhythmic pattern, and Julian’s hands moved slowly to Garak’s arm like they had the night before, finding a comfortable place to settle. His entire body started to relax, and it felt right but wrong at the same time and he was torn. This was what he wanted, right? He initiated it, he...he invaded Garak’s personal space, but something in the back of his mind told him that things weren’t that easy.

Garak, as if sensing what was running through his mind, pulled back, but kept his hand where they were. “My dear doctor, is something the matter?”

“I just…” He didn't know how to phrase it, how to make it sound right. “I just need to know that, urm...that you care.” He sounded so small, so unsure, he could hear it in his voice, and he shut his eyes tight, letting out a quiet sigh. Things were always so complicated.

“I can assure you, I care for you deeply, more than you know.” Julian opened his eyes and looked into Garak’s, hunting for anything that could show he was lying but he found nothing. Maybe that just proved how naive he was, that he was willing to believe the Cardassian after only days ago he proclaimed his hatred. He was letting himself be naive, and no, he shouldn't, he shouldn't believe Garak because when has he ever told the truth before? But then, when had he ever allowed himself to be vulnerable? Garak wouldn't lie about something like this, would he?

Garak always makes proud that he can read people, that he knows what they're thinking and feeling and if that's true, then he should know how he feels. Julian's felt something for Garak for some time, so if Garak truly knows, then would he willingly play with his feelings? A friendship could never be salvaged if that was the case, but if that was the case then there was never a friendship to begin with.

There was too much going on in his head, and he pushed himself away, turning and leaning his forehead against the wall, eye shut sight, mimicking pain.

“I don't know the right answer.”

He was quiet, mumbling to himself, but Garak had moved with the stealth of a spy, coming up close behind him without making a sound. “There may not be a right answer.”

Julian pushed his head harder against the wall. “I need to know. I need to know the right answer.”

“Doctor-”

“I just,” and he spun around quickly, almost violently, “I need to know that you’re not just playing games anymore Garak. I need to know that you actually care, that I actually matter because days ago, I didn’t mean anything to you. I can’t live like that, not knowing where I stand with someone when I feel like this about them. I can’t do that to myself, no matter how stupid and naive I am, I know I would allow that to happen, I can’t. I just-” He cut himself off abruptly, choking on his own words, and he swallowed. “I’m not even sure what I want or what I need, let alone anything about you.”

“My dear Julian,” and that was enough to put him on high alert, never hearing his own first name leave the Cardassian’s lips, “This will not be straight forward, but so rarely are affairs of the heart, but I am willing to try, willing to stand by your side if you can forgive my mistakes.”

“I already told you-”

“No...I need you to forgive me for so many things, too many things to list all tonight, but for now, I need forgive for the last few days. I caused you much pain, something I hoped I could avoid with you; I assure you, you are cared for, and I will do all in my power to prove that to you if you let me.”

Julian didn’t react, trying to process the information, and once he had, he slowly nodded his head. Garak pulled him into his personal space by his waist, the grip on his body tighter than before, and Julian brought his hands up to wrap around Garak’s neck, his forearms resting comfortably against his neck ridges. He connected their lips together again, fitting together like a lock and key, and it felt right. Julian shifted, pushing his thumbs into the scales on Garak’s neck, eliciting a soft moan.

Maybe they were friends after all, or maybe they were something more or something less, but that was a lot of thinking that Julian didn’t want to do right now. It was hard, but he forced himself to switch his brain off and just allow himself to feel and do and move, and allow everything to be okay, even if it only lasted one night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this, even while I was away recently. I would be open to writing more, if you'd be interest, like, a follow on about discovering each other in a different way and all that sappy stuff, but of course it would not be smooth sailing for these two.
> 
> If you'd like more, let me know.
> 
> Thanks for the support!!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think. The next chapter should be coming out in a few days, so keep your eyes peeled. Thank you so much for reading!


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